Clementine is a bright orange octopus who lives in the forward cabin of our ‘vintage’ 47 ft Sabreline Motoryacht. To deal with the boredom of traveling long distances onboard with two members of the human species, she writes an advice column for troubled boaters, who, surprisingly enough, are most often the wives of highly dedicated boat captains.
Dear Clementine
Dear Clementine,
When we travel long distance by boat, my husband is always so eager to leave the dock that he frequently forgets to carry all his necessary gear with him up to the flybridge. I end up making multiple trips up and down the ladder to bring him his phone, his watch, a sweatshirt, the binoculars etc. etc. etc.. This is very hard on my knees as well as my patience. What do you suggest to alleviate this problem?
Mrs Take Two in the Morning
Dear Two,
I suggest that you take your very best Longaberger basket, the one with the frilly pink liner; and place all of his necessary gear in it before retiring for the night. Hand it to him just before he departs for the bridge in the morning, then pour yourself another cup of coffee.
Clementine
~*~
Dear Clementine,
My husband and I are debating whether we want to purchase a boat or start a family. Do you have any wisdom to share?
The Clock is Ticking
Dear Tick-Tock,
My best research shows there isn’t a great deal of difference in the cost of buying and maintaining a boat and that of raising an infant human to adulthood. There also is not a great deal of difference in the amount of angst and aggravation that comes from either choice. Purchasing the boat, at best, is only mildly less painful than giving birth. The major difference is that when you finally part with the boat, it doesn’t come back home.
Clementine
~*~
Dear Clementine,
Boating is proving to be extremely hard on my skin, hair and manicure? Can you suggest a beauty regimen that will help me keep up my appearance while underway?
Windblown and Wrinkled
Dear Windy,
There’s a reason that sailors carry duffel bags. Go natural or go home.
Clementine
~*~
Dear Clementine,
I thought boating was supposed to be fun, but our vessel is constantly acting up or breaking down. Is this normal?
Just a little bit Crazy
Dear Crazy Person,
Much like the humans that own them, boats are comprised of very complex systems, and are poorly adapted to the environment they choose to live in. For those reasons, boats and humans break down repeatedly and are expensive to maintain. Like members of your species, a young boat demands lots of attention and fluid changes, an old boat is susceptible to a large array of debilitating problems due to the aging process, especially if it has not received attentive care all along. While these realities in both humans and boats can be very difficult to deal with, you can always choose a leisure activity other than boating. As far as the old folks go, you’re kind of stuck.
Clementine
~*~
Dear Clementine,
I’m beginning to think my boat has it in for me. Every time I spend a weekend on the water, I come home with cuts and bruises, jammed fingers and stubbed toes. What can I do to make my boating experience less traumatic?
Black and Blue
Dear Blue,
The truth is that your boat really loves you and what you perceive as injuries are just little love bites. Your boat is trying to tell you to drink less beer, watch where you’re going, and just slow the hell down so you can enjoy the experience of being on board your lovely vessel. Also, a little onboard yoga might help with your inherent klutziness.
Clementine
~*~
Dear Clementine,
I recently experienced seasickness while out on the boat with friends in choppy water. I was totally embarrassed by turning green and losing my lunch over board. I am concerned that I will never be a proper crew mate if I can’t overcome this problem.
Turning Green and Feeling Blue
Dear Greenie,
Forgive me if I don’t quite understand the problem here. A proper Octopus is extremely proud of being able to change color in an alarming situation, and the ability to project a noxious substance from her body at high speed is considered a great adaptation. How else are you to protect yourself from predators? I would be much more concerned with your habit of storing large amounts of your own bodily waste on board your vessel and taking it with you on vacation. Now there’s a habit to be embarrassed about!
Clementine
~*~
Dear Clementine,
My husband is willing to spend in excess of a quarter million dollars on a boat but will not allow me to bring my interior decorator on board. Don’t you think he’s being a bit selfish?
Longing for Silk and Tassels
Dear Decorating Disaster,
Look around that thing you call a “house” on dry land. Unless it has camo draperies, oversized leather recliners and flooring you can hose off, your mate is perfectly justified in keeping your decorator off the boat. A boat interior should either be slick and minimalist, or well worn and comfortable. Accessories should consist of sea shells, pictures of other boats, a large cooler and plenty of surfaces to leave tools and rags on. Silk anything has no place on a boat unless it’s a mega yacht and that includes those facsimiles of trailing plants stuffed in every corner. Even an octopus can appreciate a space that is well appointed for just being the thing that it’s intended to be.
Clementine